


i'll find your voice in my mouth, i'll wear your clothes 'til you come home

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brief Mention of Suicide, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Opera references, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-10-15 21:57:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “I love you,” Levi says, attempting to put every aspect of what he feels into the complicated emotion.“Love you, too.”“No, Eren, Iloveyou.” He repeats, just so Eren will hopefully understand the depths of the word."Dude,” Eren says, “I know. Catch you later.”





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!
> 
> I've come back with a multi-chaptered fic! I'm no good at slow-burn, but I promise to torture both myself and you readers with it! I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> (I will add tags as I go along and the rating may change.)

Eren takes a long drag from the cigarette before throwing it on the ground. “That was my last cigarette… ever,” he says with conviction, although he says that at least twice a month.

Levi picks the butt off the ground and throws it in the trash can that they soon pass. “Stop littering,” he says.

“God, you’re so _good_ , aren’t you?” Levi can tell that Eren’s rolling his eyes just by the way he says it.

“No, I’m not,” he responds.

“Take the fucking compliment, Levi.” Eren wraps his arms around his shoulders and begins to put his weight on him, just to be obnoxious. Levi lets him. “You are good. You know, ‘s one of the reasons I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

They continue to walk in silence down the street. The sun’s setting; pink, orange and blue. No matter how many times Levi has seen it he still finds it beautiful. He’s been doing that a lot--noticing the beauty in things he used to not even spare a second glance at.

“‘Kay, this is me,” Eren mutters.

“It’s me, too. We live in the same apartment building.”

“Oh yeah,” he replies, allowing Levi to drag him into the building. Levi lives on the second floor; Eren lives on the fourth. They stop in front of Levi’s door.

“Thanks for dinner.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Eren says, they kiss on the lips before Levi unlocks his door, waiting for Eren to make it to the steps at the end of the hall before going inside and shutting it. Eren tasted like tobacco. It makes Levi crave a cigarette even those he hasn’t smoked in three years. The taste is even more addicting from Eren’s lips.

Levi’s unsure when they started kissing on the lips as salutations and goodbyes. It was definitely after he’d gotten out of rehab. He remembers Eren had been there to pick him up and he’d spilled the beans about the surprise party. Levi didn’t want a surprise party. He didn’t want all his friends and family (the very few that were left and still loved him) to see him, all washed up and tightly strung. Everyone said how proud they were of him, and how great he looked. Even though, his face was gaunt as hell, his figure worn away. He was barely human, but he was clean.

He distinctly remembers Eren not saying anything. Not even joining in on the festivities. The brat had taken a pack of cigarettes out and was smoking out on Levi’s balcony, blowing perfect smoke rings that quickly dissipated into nothing. It irked him. Not that he needed Eren to be proud of him or think he looked great, but Eren never said anything. Even when he picked him up from the rehabilitation center. Eren had only taken him by surprise when he smiled then pressed a long, yet conservative kiss on Levi’s unsuspecting lips.

Levi showers then crawls into bed. He opens up the Kurt Vonnegut book he’s been trying to read for almost a year. He doesn’t even know if the book is good or not. He just knows that one of  the reviews said that Vonnegut attempts to answer the question, ‘what’s the meaning of life?’ He’d sure like to know.

\---

Levi’s life is basically split up into three parts. First, there’s work. Which is monotonous, but stabilizing. It gives him purpose, it’s the only order in his goddamn chaotic life, even if there’s not _that_ much order to it. He stocks a retail store from early morning to early afternoon. It wasn’t like he could just go back to his old job, no matter how much Erwin says everyone misses him at the real estate firm. Truthfully, he doesn’t think he could even do the job anymore.

Next is lying or sitting around. It’s not something Levi tries to do, it just happens. He’ll come home from the store and sit on the couch and just stare at the blank television screen. Sometimes he forgets to eat. He doesn’t even think about anything. It’s fucked up because he’s been chasing this peace of mind since… forever. This silence, this stillness. Just trying to get his mind to stop, if even for a second. And now, he’s thinks he may have found it, but it’s not satisfying. It doesn’t feel right. Nothing really does.

Lastly is the socialization that he’s usually--always--coerced into. He thinks they’re all in on it. His friends, he means. There seems to be some sort of schedule. Erwin and Mike on Tuesdays. Hanji on Wednesdays. Eren on Friday and Sunday. On Saturdays, they all go out together. Levi has Thursdays and Mondays all to himself. At first, it was obvious that they all were just checking up on him, making sure he wouldn’t relapse, but he finds that he likes not spending everyday alone.

Especially when it’s Friday or Sunday. Being around Eren feels like the most natural thing in the world.

\---

When Levi wakes up Saturday morning, he can hear someone moving around in the apartment. He knows it’s Eren by the music that he’s blasting. Some indie rock band Eren’s told him to listen to a million times before, but Levi forgets their name. It’s probably something obscure yet pretentious. Levi makes his way to the bathroom where he brushes his teeth while showering. He dresses quickly.

“You never make me breakfast.”

“Well, I am. Thank you will suffice.” Eren jerks away from the stove, trying to dodge the popping oil.

“Thank you,” Levi says, earnestly. He sits down at the small table, watching Eren as he easily moves around the tiny kitchen.

“It’s what I’m here for. Did you sleep okay?”

“Mhmm. You?”

“Like a fucking rock.” Eren sets a plate stacked with pancakes on the table. Next, one with more bacon than Levi thinks everyone in the entire apartment building can consume. Then eggs and toast.

“Didn’t even know you could cook,” Levi mutters.

“Only for you… and my mom...and Mikasa, nevermind.” Eren grins.

“Why’s there so much?”

Eren just shrugs instead of saying he’s trying to get Levi to bulk up a bit. He’s had problems gaining his weight back ever since rehab. He can still see his ribs and none of his pants fit without a belt anymore.

“What are you guys planning today?”

“I actually don’t know. I can’t go out with you guys tonight.”

“Why not?”

“Dinner plans.” Eren says, vaguely, meaning he’s got a date. When they’re together they never talk about people outside of their sphere of friends and family. Also, Levi’s never really had a serious partner. People tend not to like him. They think he’s rude, it’s really the anxiety, though. That little voice that tells him that no one cares and the words coming out of his mouth aren’t of any real significance, so why continue to utter them?

“Oh, okay.” Levi tries not to sound too upset.

“What, are you going to miss me?" Eren teases, shoving what seems like the tenth slice of bacon in his mouth.

“Yeah, I actually will.” Levi admits. It takes both him and Eren by surprise.

“Oh. I’ll miss you, too.” Eren leans over and pecks Levi on the mouth. “Love you.”

They finish breakfast in silence.

Eren helps Levi with the dishes. “You know,” he says, scrubbing burnt eggs off the frying pan, “Erwin said something about a movie.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad.”

“You’ll have fun, even if I’m not there.”

Levi rolls his eyes, taking the pan out of Eren’s hand. He scrubs the eggs off and rinses it before handing it back to Eren to dry.

“And that means tomorrow you can tell me all the dumb shit they did.”

“That’s true.”

“Sweet, I gotta go, but I’ll see you tomorrow.” Eren sets down the dry pan before making his way to the door. He lingers in the doorway.

“I love you,” Levi says, attempting to put every aspect of what he feels into the complicated emotion.

“Love you, too.”

“No, Eren, I _love_ you.” He repeats, just so Eren will hopefully understand the depths of the word.

“ _Dude_ ,” Eren says, “I know. Catch you later.”


	2. two

Yes, Erwin did say they were going to the movies, but it turns out they actually weren’t going to see a movie. It was a live broadcasting of an opera.

“How could you two do this to me?” Levi asks.

“You are being dramatic.” Erwin says absentmindedly as he purchases the tickets.

“This is questionably the worst form of betrayal. It’s like you invited me over for dinner, but you ended up murdering me.”

“What?” Erwin shoots him a bewildered look. “Levi, that makes absolutely no sense.”

“Actually,” Mike interjects, “it kind of does. Not that I agree, but I understand.”

“Don’t encourage him.” Erwin reprimands, handing each of them a ticket.

Walking into the theater, Levi notices that he, Erwin and Mike are the youngest people there. Significantly. And Erwin and Mike are getting fairly old, so that’s saying a lot. But everyone else seems to be at least sixty. They find decent seats in the middle. Levi mentally prepares himself to be bored out of existence as the broadcasting begins.

He won’t admit it when Erwin asks, but he’s actually enjoying the opera. It makes absolutely no sense and he’s given up on reading the subtitles, but the lead male character is rather nice to look at. And the music’s okay, he guesses. He just makes sure to make a real pissy face anytime Erwin not so subtly tries to gauge his reaction.

Hanging out with Erwin and Mike is always the least pleasant, although Levi’s known the both of them longer than anyone else. It’s most likely due to the fact that Erwin makes it the most obvious that these ‘hang-outs’ are really just baby-sitting duty. Mike is more chill about it. Erwin always asks him how he’s feeling and if anything’s wrong and he doesn’t even allow Levi to drink any alcohol when they’re together. He doesn’t have a problem with alcohol. It’s just… other stuff. He can’t even remember the last time he got drunk, probably during college.

It’s nearing the end, Levi thinks, when someone sits in the seat right next to his, which is really obnoxious because there’s at least five empty seats in the row that aren’t right next to Levi. He realizes it's Eren when he lays his hand on top of Levi’s.

“Thought you had plans,” Levi whispers.

“I’ll tell you after,” Eren whispers before leaning over and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

\---

“So, how’d you like it?” Erwin asks, standing after the lights have come back on.

Levi shrugs.

“Just admit you enjoyed it, Levi.”

“Fine, I sort of liked it.”

Erwin smiles at him. It’s that odd dad smile, even though he not a dad, like he’s all proud and Levi admitting he liked the goddamn opera was all he ever wanted.

It makes Levi feel nauseous.

They separate into two cars to make their way to a restaurant not too far from the theater. Levi goes in Eren’s car. The ride is silent.

\---

“What happened to your date?” Erwin asks, looking annoyingly concerned. They’ve just been seated and handed menus.

“He was a fucking no-show. I was sitting there for almost an hour, he didn’t try to call me and he wouldn’t pick up my calls.” Eren says, passively looking over the menu.

“Did you know what he looked like?” Mike asks.

“Nah, we only discussed where to meet and at what time.”

“Maybe it’s for the best, Eren,” Erwin interjects,  “I have a feeling that the right person is closer than you think.” He gives Levi a small smile.

Levi gives him a death look. Erwin and Mike have known for a while his complicated feelings towards Eren. Levi’s really not sure what it is. It may be that their friendship is so odd. They don’t act like just friends, they don’t even act like lovers. It’s this weird mishmash of both and honestly, Levi doesn’t think it’s healthy, but it makes him feel wanted without bearing the entire responsibility of a real relationship.

Eren shrugs. “I guess. I’m more upset that he didn’t contact me than the fact that the date fell through.”

The conversation slowly transitions back to the opera. “You know,” Erwin states, “Mike always cries at the end of that one.”

“At least I don’t try to sing along.” Mike retorts, throwing a sharp glare at Erwin. There’s a short moment when they simply stare at each other before they share a chaste kiss. Watching them act all  affectionate is always uncomfortable, because in some odd, round-about way, they’re like Levi’s parents. And they’re always something gross about seeing your parents kiss.

“What was the name of it again?’ Eren asks.

“ _La traviata._ ”

“Hmm… feel like I heard it before.” Eren sets his menu down. “It may be ‘cause I didn’t see the beginning but what was it with that giant clock?”

“I think it was to illustrate the countdown to Violetta's inevitable death at the end of the opera”

Eren’s about to give a response when the waitress appears, asking them what they’d like to drink.

When she gets to Levi, he asks for a beer. He’s not sure why, maybe it’s to see Erwin’s reaction, or because he’s been subconsciously craving one. The last time he had a drink was before rehab, so it’s been a while. Anyway, Erwin stupidly clears his throat then tells the waitress to make it a glass of water instead.

“No, I said beer.” Levi argues. He doesn’t mean to get upset at the waitress.

“He means water,” Erwin says. And Levi’s wanted to break his nose on many occasions, but right now, he thinks he might actually do it.

“I clearly said beer.”

“Just get him a water, please.”

Levi’s busy staring daggers at Erwin that he only remotely notices Eren telling the waitress that they’re still deciding so she could come back in a few minutes.

“Why can’t I have beer?”

“I don’t want you drinking.” Erwin says.

“Why?”

“Maybe you didn’t notice, but no one else ordered alcohol.”

“Why don’t you fucking tell the truth, huh?” Levi seethes, “just fucking say that you think if I start drinking again I’ll relapse.”

He seriously thinks he may be a sadist because the satisfaction Levi gets when Erwin’s face contorts into a mess of shock and distress is one of the greatest things he’s ever felt. Erwin can’t even form a coherent reply.

Levi decides this is a good time to leave. He gathers his coat and tries not to run out of the restaurant. Eren follows him out, of course.

Levi tells him to fuck off.

“I gave you a ride here. Let me drive you home.”

“I don’t want--I don’t need your help.”

“Levi,” Eren says softly, “you’re being--”

“Fucking christ. I have a GPS app on my phone. Just leave me alone.”

“Fine.” Eren shrugs.

Levi types his address into the app and starts his journey home. He doesn’t respond when Eren says “bye.”

The walk back to the apartment isn’t too bad, but he’s rather tired. He almost gets hit by a car or two; it’s been awhile since he walked that far. It takes a little less than half an hour. When Levi unlocks the door, Eren is already there. On his couch, watching television.

Levi takes off his shoes, setting them by the door and hangs up his jacket before joining Eren on the couch.

“You really hurt Erwin’s feelings.” He doesn’t look at Levi, too absorbed in Cutthroat Kitchen.

“He hurt mine first. He has no right to treat me like that.”

“In some weird way, I think he’s trying to help you, but he’s got no clue.”

“Obviously. I just wish he’d stop seeing everything I fucking do as some sort of suicidal action.” Erwin is always on edge when they’re in each other’s presence. And it may be the best for them to spend less time together, because Levi can’t even imagine the stress he’s under since he unofficially put Levi under suicide watch.

“He cares about you so much. We all do. It’s just difficult, you know, you almost died.” Eren glances at him, smiles that dumbass smile of his. Levi doesn’t know what it means.

“So it doesn’t matter that I’m alive now? All that matters is that I almost died? You guys are just going to keep going back to that?”

“ _Levi._ ” Eren finally moves to look at him straight on. He even does a little head tilt.

“So fuck rehab, right? Fuck the ten months since then that I’ve been clean? All you see when you look at me is a drug addict, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t say that.”

No one said it, but they all feel that way. He just wants people to treat him like a normal human being, not an infant. He wants someone--anyone--to fucking acknowledge the fact that he’s been clean for this long and it’s not fucking easy. The urges are still there, no matter how miniscule. Levi thought it’d be easier just being around sober people, but they don’t understand. And it’s been months since he stopped going to his aftercare group program, but he’s too humiliated to show his face there now.

“Can you leave?”

Eren looks like he’s about to refuse, but he thinks better of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a course about opera this semester and we actually went to a movie theater to watch a live broadcasting of _La traviata_ and there were almost all senior citizens. Their retirement homes make monthly trips to the theater just to watch opera, I thought that was so interesting. 
> 
> [this is a screenshot from the particular production of the opera I/Levi saw](http://i1.wp.com/nyoobserver.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/traviata-met-clock.jpg?quality=80&strip&ssl=1)
> 
> anyway, there may be more opera references, but nothing crazy like you'd have to have seen it to understand this fic.
> 
> the third chapter should come soon b/c i'm really excited to share it
> 
> & i enjoy comments


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rather short

Eren doesn’t come over on Sunday. Levi’s glad he doesn’t, he’s not sure what he’d do. It’s nice to be alone, though. He spends most of the day feeling sorry for himself before going to bed early.

He just lies there on his side looking at all the slightly ominous shadows that the furniture makes in the dark. If Levi falls asleep right now he can get almost ten hours of sleep before waking up for work. He’s always had a difficult time falling asleep. He stopped using his phone or watching television before bed, but he still ends up restless. Sometimes, he tries to recount the day, but nothing happened today so that’s useless. And he doesn’t even want to think about yesterday.

It’s all got him wondering just how far he can push all his friends until they really give up on him.

—

Levi types his work identification number into the outdated computer to officially punch in. The only other people in the store right now are the manager, the somewhat shady cleaning crew and the three other stock employees. They start off by unloading the truck, which eats up a pretty good chunk of their time. After they’re done with that, the store’s been open by this time, Levi takes the racks of clothing, they’d unshipped, sorted, and tagged from yesterday’s shipment and puts it out on the sales floor. The manager’s complained to him numerous times about his lack of interaction with the customers when he’s out on the floor. So he’ll try to smile as he’s working, but he’s really not sure what his face looks like.

He changes the outfits on the mannequins from the atrocious clothing combinations they’d been in. Levi knows nothing about fashion, but whoever else is changing the mannequin knows a lot less. By this time, he’s due for his lunch break. He returns the clothing rack to the back room and then goes to the employee lounge. Levi has to enter a code into the door to unlock it. He didn’t bring a lunch; he never does. Fortunately, there’s a vending machine in the break room.

After he’s polished off a few bag of chips, Levi tries to take a nap. He’s on the verge of falling asleep when he hears the door beep open. He assumes it just one of his co-workers and doesn’t bother opening his eyes.

“Did you have lunch, Levi?”

Levi cringes at Erwin’s voice. He hesitantly opens his eyes to see Erwin and Mike standing in front of him, a bagged lunch in Erwin’s hand. Levi’s name is written in cursive on the paper bag with a sloppily drawn smile face beneath it.

“We just wanted to drop this off,” Mike says.

Levi doesn’t even ask them why they know the code for the break room, he takes the heavy paper bag and politely answers all the poorly disguised invasive questions Erwin asks.

By the time they’ve gone, Levi’s break is basically over. He puts the bag in the refrigerator and finishes his shift.

—

Levi doesn’t get a chance to eat the lunch until he’s back home. It’s more of a feast than a lunch for one. Levi wants to be annoyed because Erwin is clearly still treating him like a child and he didn’t even apologize, but it feels nice to be cared about. They just need to figure the right balance. Levi doesn’t want a parent or guardian out of Erwin, just a friend.

Monday is usually his day alone, but Eren stops by that night. He doesn’t come in, just stands in the doorway in his nursing scrubs. The lavender ones, they look good on him. He’s got his stupid neon orange backpack hanging off of one shoulder, even though Levi knows it’s heavy as hell and all that weight should be distributed evenly across both shoulders.

“How was work?”

“The same as always. You?”

Eren just shrugs. “ I was working with my dad today. My mom fucking loves it when our schedules match up. I’m just happy someone likes it.” He never straight up complains about his job, because, for the most part, he does like it. Eren gets a lot of joy out of helping people. Levi gets the feeling that sometimes he wishes he was doing something else.

“You got through the day, though.”

“So did you,” Eren murmurs, grinning, “I wanted to ask when you’re getting your vacation days.”

“I’ll have to check the schedule.”

“Okay, just tell me when you know.”

“Will do.”

Eren awkwardly shuffles around in the doorway. “I’ll talk to you later.” Levi thinks he’d kiss him if there wasn’t still that undercurrent of discomfort and irritation between them. “Good night.” If Eren did try to kiss him, Levi wouldn't stop him.

“Do you wanna… watch a movie with me?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure you don’t want me to change first? I smell like hand sanitizer and blood.” Eren lifts his arm to sniff himself, he crinkles his nose.

Levi opens the door wider. “It’s okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i used to work at tj maxx, but as a cashier/sales associate, so i never had the privilege of getting to not deal with customers for most of my shift. also, i really like the idea of eren being a nurse and sometimes working with his dad, to both of their dismay


	4. four

Levi and Eren’s vacation days suspiciously line up. It doesn’t take too much begging for Levi to agree to spend a few days at Eren’s family’s beach house. It’s about a three hour drive. He hates long car rides, but Eren makes it tolerable.

“Why does this sound familiar?” Levi turns up the volume on the CD that’s playing.

“It’s from that opera we all watched. Erwin gave it to me.” While still looking at the road, Eren opens the glove box and pulls out a handful of CDs.

Levi looks through the short stack. He doesn’t even attempt to pronounce the opera titles. “Are we going to listen to all of them?”

Eren glances at him quickly. “If you want to.”

“Sure.”

After they’re through with the first CD, Levi puts in the one on top of the stack, _La bohème_. He thinks he may have heard of it before, but he’s never seen it. “This mean you’re done with that indie hipster shit?” Levi asks as he digs further into Eren’s glove box to find more opera CDs.

“It’s not shit. And you know, I like to branch out and try new things.”

Levi’s about to say he was the same way; that’s how he became an addict, but he thinks better of it. He leans back to get more comfortable in his seat. They’re still on the highway, so there’s not much to look at out the window. Just trees.

“When did your parents get the house?”

“When I was really little. Apparently I was fucking obsessed with the beach, so they bought it because of me. I can’t even remember the last time I was there, though.” Eren takes a second to adjust his sunvisor. “Thanks for coming with me.”

Levi looks at the trees quickly blurring past his vision. “I’ve never been.” He doesn’t know why he suddenly decided to share that fact.

“You’re shitting me.” Eren sounds so goddamn scandalized.

“Why would I lie about that?”

Levi watches Eren’s hands flex around the steering wheel. “It’s just… that’s kinda sad.”

“Not everyone grew up like you, Eren.” He doesn’t mean to sound so defensive. His upbringing was nothing like Eren’s. It makes no difference how much he tells himself it doesn’t matter, he still thinks about it. How hard his mom had tried to put food on the table and make Levi happy and attempt to distract him from feeling bereft since his dad walked out on both of them pretty early on. She’d suffered so much just to make sure he had a decent quality of life. He’s almost glad she passed away before he started using. He could never put her through hell like that after everything.

“I know, I know. I didn’t mean it like that.” Eren spares him a peek. It seems like their conversation is over, but he asks, “do you have a bucket list?”

“A bucket list?”

“Yeah, like shit you wanna do before you die.”

“I know what it is, asshole… just never thought about it.” He knows that it sounds weird because usually after someone almost dies, they become obsessed with living everyday like it’s their last, they start to truly cherish life. But after the overdose and then nearly a year in rehab, Levi came out on the other side feeling completely lost. He didn’t know where to go from there. Yeah, he was clean, so what then?

“Do you want to skydive? Or… drive across the country?”

“I just want to go to the beach.”

“Okay,” Eren sighs, although he’s smiling.

\---

The salty smell is the first sign that they’ve arrived at the house. By now, the sun’s setting. Pink, orange and blue like it’s been for the last month. Levi has to turn in his seat to get a look at the house as Eren reverses into the parking space. It’s a two story and it’s that biege color that most homes seem to be.

“I’ll grab the groceries if you get the bags,” Eren tells him, already out of the car and making his way to the trunk.

Levi gets out and grabs his duffel bag and Eren’s distasteful orange backpack. He’s thinking this wasn’t a fair deal since Eren’s goddamn backpack is at least fifty pounds and they only had three bags of groceries.

“Do you want a tour?” Eren asks when they’ve made it inside. “Actually don’t know how good I’d be at that. I was here… it has to have been more than a decade ago.” The way the beach house is decorated is very similar to the way Eren’s parent’s home is decorated. It’s minimalistic, but still warm. It feels well lived in even though no one’s been there for a while.

Levi follows Eren into the kitchen and halfheartedly helps him put the groceries away. He gives up halfway through and bites into one of the twenty apples Eren bought.

“I’ll put our bags away.” Eren hefts his orange backpack and Levi’s duffel bag. Eren’s footsteps are steady as they climb up the stairs and they're audible through the floor. And if Levi focusses enough so are the waves crashing outside. It’s so calming he gets lost in it. He actually finds himself excited to get on the beach. He’s beginning to get why Eren’s so obsessed with it.

Levi’s done with the apple when he hears Eren’s footsteps coming back down the stairs. Eren appears in the kitchen threshold with the bags still on him.

“We never discussed sleeping arrangements.”

“I just assumed there’s more than one bedroom,” Levi tells him, looking around for a trashcan to throw away his quickly browning apple core. Eren points to the door near the fridge. Levi opens it, finding the trashcan and dusty cleaning supplies.

“There are. There’s three--nevermind.” Eren says, turning around and going right back up the stairs.

\---

They’ve settled on the sofa in front of the television--it's not on, they’re just relaxing, sort of laying on top of each other. It’s nearly pitch black outside.

“You know what we should do?” Eren asks.

Levi acknowledges his words by humming.

“Skinny dipping.” Eren contorts his body to look at him. “Come on.”

It’s definitely a bit fucked up that Levi’s heartrate skyrockets. He tries his best to return it to normal by inconspicuously taking deep, slow breaths. It’s also annoying because he knows damn well that Eren’s aware of body issues he’s been dealing with. The last person who saw him naked was Erwin and that was months ago--not too long after he’d gotten out of rehab. Erwin had come over because they were going out and Levi fucking had a seizure after he’d gotten out of the shower. Erwin heard the noise he’d made as he had gone down. He acts okay about it, but it’d been fucking scary. Things like that are the norm now for him; he could easily have another seizure anytime or even a heart attack.

Just the thought of being naked in the presence of Eren is too much. He knows Eren wouldn’t suggest this just to embarrass him, but it still makes him nervous. He voices this, rather inarticulately saying, “I don’t feel comfortable being naked.” And it’s just that, yes, it has a little to do with Eren, but it’s more of Levi’s awareness of his own body and what it once was and what it is now.

“It doesn’t matter what your body looks like--” Eren abruptly stops when Levi cringes. “You know I think you’re beautiful, right?”

“Right.” The words are nice, and they do make his heart flutter a bit, but it feels distant. Eren’s always complimenting everyone. Levi hasn’t really heard him say anything awful about anyone--except maybe Jean and his dad.

“Seriously. I’ve always thought you were beautiful, Levi.”

He’s not sure how to respond to that. It’s not like he didn’t care what he looked like before, but he was well aware that his physical appearance didn’t mean everything and him and Eren would joke about their bodies just being meat bags or something--he doesn’t remember it perfectly. Levi digresses, what he’s trying to say is that he could distance his appearance from who he really was--his personality, his beliefs, his soul (he’s still not sure if it’s a real thing or not), and the energy he gave off as a human being (he only started really thinking about that because of Eren).

But now, sometimes, he feels his appearance is everything. He doesn’t have a lot going for himself in the personality department and he’s fairly sure there’s a fucking perpetual raincloud hanging over his head. And addiction is always difficult to come back from. It turned his being completely upside down. Levi’s got no goddamn clue what he believes in anymore or what meaning he has in life. Not that he knew before, but still. So of course, he’s searching for a purpose, some redeemable fucking _anything_ that he may still have a grasp of. And maybe if he--

“Your nose is bleeding,” Eren interrupts his thoughts. He maneuvers himself off of Levi’s body. “I’ll grab you some towels.”

Levi slowly sits up on the sofa and catches all the falling drops of blood with his hands. The little red pool in his palm grows bigger and bigger until Eren returns, moving Levi so he’s tipping his head forward and placing the towel underneath his nose. Eren also has another towel that he wipes his bloody hands with.

“When was the last time you had a nose bleed?”

“Sometime last month, I think.”

“Have you been experiencing any other long term effects?”

Levi shrugs Eren’s hands off his shoulders. “Jesus christ.”

They sit in silence for a while until his nose stops bleeding. Levi gets up to go to the bathroom, then he realizes he’s never been in this house before and has no idea where the bathroom is. Eren comes up behind him and takes the towels.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to switch into nurse mode.”

“I’m sorry I overreacted.” He needs to stop doing that. Everyone’s just trying to help him, and honestly, he needs it. But he doesn’t want to admit it, doesn’t want to show them that he actually is weak.

“Wanna call it a night?” Eren asks.

Levi nods, following Eren up the stairs. Eren gestures towards the first door on the left. Levi opens it, finding his duffel bag on the bed. There’s a large window across from the bed, and although it’s dark he can still make out the water softly lapping at the shore. And when he opens the window he can hear the waves and smell the salt of the ocean.

“My room’s right next to yours.” Eren says, his feet doing that stupid shuffle thing that just really looks like an awkward two-step. “Good night.” When the door’s closed, Levi quickly changes into his sleeping clothes and lays back in the bed. He has to smack the pillows and shake the blankets to get the dust off of them. He’ll see if there’s a washing and drying machine tomorrow. For now, he piles the pillows on top of each other, so his back will be on an incline and he’ll have a good view of the sky through the window as he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will also take place at the beach house and i'm trying to work up to longer chapters. i tend to be very concise when i write :<
> 
> (and if you ever listen to any opera, please listen to, like, the first 50 seconds of "o soave fanciulla" from la bohème--it's some of the most beautiful music i've ever heard)
> 
> also, they're totally going to go skinny dipping, you just wait.


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and since i'm just cranking out the chapters, sorry for grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes. i usually just post the chapter, then come back later and read through it and edit. (it's a bad system, but hey!)
> 
> also the rating went up b/c mild sexual content

When Levi wakes up, the sun’s already shining high in the sky. He looks through his duffel bag to find the toothbrush and toothpaste he’d packed along with all his shower necessities before making his way to the downstairs bathroom. There’s probably one upstairs, but he doesn’t feel like looking for it.

After he’s brushed his teeth and showered, Levi leaves the house clutching a large towel and a pair of Eren’s sunglasses. He has to walk around to the back to get to the actual beach, the rocky walkway he’s on makes way to smooth sand. If he squints, he can see other people down along the water, but they’re pretty far away. He finds a spot not too far from the house to lay down his towel.

So, this is the beach.

He can already feel himself getting annoyed with the sand getting into his sandals. But still, it’s calming here, even with the loud birds. The waves crashing, and even the seemingly erratic squawking of the bird’s overhead and the people laughing and screaming further down begin to seem repetitive, but it’s comforting. There’s a definite pattern to it, like playing a song on an infinite loop. If he stays here long enough, he may soon understand the secrets to the universe, the meaning of life, his purpose on earth. Although fascinating, Levi thinks he may be better off not knowing. Uncertainty does terrify him, but so does the complete truth. He slips the sunglasses on and closes his eyes.

It can’t be more than half an hour later, when he opens his eyes again. Sleep clinging heavily to his eyelids.

“Thought I’d find you here.” Eren’s standing next to him. “Did you put sunscreen on?”

“No… I’m mostly covered up.” Levi looks down at the t-shirt and capri pants he’s wearing. It was a bit difficult finding the right amount he could cover up, but still be appropriately dressed for the beach. Eren’s in a pair of hideous board shorts with palm trees on them and a loose tank top.

“Doesn’t matter,” Eren says, frowning and tossing a bottle of sunscreen his way. “You burn easily.”

Levi sits up to carefully apply the sunscreen on all of his exposed skin.

“You want breakfast?” Eren asks, making Levi move over so he can sit on the towel also.

“Yeah.”

“We could eat out--there’s a great diner around here--or I can make it.”

“I want you to cook,” Levi decides, handing Eren the sunscreen back.

“If that’s what you want.” That’s the usual response he gets when he makes a decision. He wonders if it’s true as they stay out for a little longer.

\---

Eren’s plated the bacon and just sliced up a carton of strawberries and tossed them with the other fruit he’d thoughtfully cut up. He’s also finished mixing the pancake batter and has a short stack of pancakes already made when Levi tells him, “actually, I kinda want to try that diner.”

Eren turns around, spatula in hand. “Oh? Just let me put this stuff away.”

Levi looks at him, somewhat warmed and nauseated. He feels like a spoiled child. Would Eren just literally do anything if he asked? What happened to his backbone? What happened to the Eren who was stubborn and wouldn’t put up with shit like this? Levi knows he shouldn’t be annoyed, but he is. Everyone is so _nice_ to him; he can get anything he wants (well, except that beer that one time--and probably anytime he’s in Erwin’s presence for the rest of his life, and solitude on most days of the week).

He idly wonders if Eren would say yes if Levi asked him out. Not on their odd little friendship outings. A real date, with maybe a real kiss at the end. Not the platonic pecks they’ve been sharing. He thinks Eren would say yes out of pity. And maybe Eren would let him into his apartment--out of pity, of course--and Levi would push him onto the weird contemporary monstrosity of a sofa he has. And he’d drop to his knees, and undo Eren’s pants with shaky hands, because he can’t remember the last time he had sex, let alone sucked a cock. It was nearly impossible to even get hard when he was using. Side effect of the drug.

And he’d press his face into Eren’s groin, and Eren would be fully erect--Levi doesn’t think the out of pity aspect applies here. And Levi would be able to feel the heat through his underwear, feel the wetness and the fucking pulse as the blood pumped through Eren’s cock because he’s so hard, he fists Levi’s hair, tugs harshly because maybe he does actually want him. Maybe.

“ _Levi._ ” Eren waves his hand in front of his face. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah.”

\---

They have breakfast for dinner. Eren had put the prepared fruit salad in the refrigerator along with the fully cooked bacon and the pancake batter. They eat on the balcony.

“Why do you like the beach so much?”

“That’s actually a good question because the first time I ever came here I was fucking scared as shit.”

Levi stares at him, slightly confused.

“Look,” Eren points toward the horizon. “Isn’t that fucking horrifying? We can’t even see where it ends. When I was a kid, I wasn’t even sure it did end. What if I was carried away by the waves? Where would I end up? And we don’t even know that much about all the shit in there, so much of the ocean is still undiscovered. Isn’t that terrifying to you? Not knowing?”

“Yeah, but that still doesn’t answer my question.”

“I thought I did,” Eren murmurs.

“So you like it because it scares you?”

Eren nods. “Don’t you ever get tired of being scared?”

Levi looks away. “I guess.” He wants to tell Eren that not everyone is as courageous as he is. Not everyone is willing to stand up to that thing that makes their knees buckle, that makes the blood drain from their face. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before he admits, “I’m so fucking scared I’m going to relapse.” He knows it’s useless to voice this because Eren can’t help him, no matter how much he tries. Eren can’t take away the cravings or the side effects. And honestly, he shouldn’t have to. Levi did this to himself when he decided to start using. “That’s why I don’t need you guys hounding me--I have more than enough concern for all of us.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I didn’t say that to make you upset.”

“I know.” Eren clears the table, stacking the plates and cups and bringing them inside. Levi follows close behind. “Why does it matter how I feel, though? You’re the one who’s experiencing all of this. My feelings aren’t important.”

“Don’t say that.”

Levi helps Eren with the dishes before they return to the balcony. They sit in silence, and for the first time ever, it’s uncomfortable. Eren just looks out at the water, he’s almost completely still. Levi can only take so much before he goes inside again, then down the stairs and out the back door towards the beach.

“What are you doing?” Eren shouts from the balcony.

“Skinny dipping.”

“ _Levi._ ”

“What?”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know.” After he has removed his sandals, he squeezes the sand through his toes. “Remember? I like to branch out and try new things.”

By the time Eren gets to him, he’s only in his pants, with a trail of clothing behind him. It may be dark, but Levi can still make out Eren’s body, the taut muscles, the smooth and tan skin. And he may lose his nerve a bit, so he just watches as Eren steps out of his pants and then his underwear. His body is stunning. It’s like a sculpture--sensual, yet tasteful.

“You okay? Still wanna do this?” There’s excitement in his voice, as well as some apprehension.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Want me to turn around?” Eren asks.

Levi thinks it’s a good idea until Eren does so. Because, yes the pressure of Eren’s eyes are gone, but now Levi’s just staring at his ass. And it’s a nice ass, he’d like to add. He’s undone almost half the buttons on his shirt, when he stops and determines it may be better if Eren was facing him.

“Actually,” he says, “you can turn back.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” And maybe, his hands begin to shake as he continues unbuttoning his shirt. It gets so bad he has to take a minute to just stop and breathe. _He thinks you’re beautiful,_ Levi tells himself. And it might not stop his hands from shaking, but he gets back to undoing his shirt. Eren takes hesitant steps toward him and covers Levi’s hands with his own.

“Is it okay if I help?”

Levi nods. Eren’s hands are steady and warm as they help Levi with the remaining buttons. Eren pushes the shirt off his shoulders, fingertips gently stroking his goosebump covered arms. Up and down. Up and down. And Levi thinks, Eren’ll leave him to his own devices to remove his pants, but he slowly sinks down to his knees in front of him. It takes a lot to stay still as Eren pulls the elastic waist of his capris--

“Wait!”

Eren looks up at him through his thick, long lashes. And waits, patient with a small smile tugging at his lips.

Levi takes a deep breath, “sorry, keep going.”

Eren does.

When they’re both completely nude, they just stand there for a little. Levi, trying not to think of his slightly concave stomach, and his ribs that are so visible, and how his legs are so skinny--no muscle, almost no anything on them anymore.

They hold hands as they step towards the water. It’s cold, but bearable. Levi likes the way the waves lap at his toes, the way the sand compresses underneath his weight. As they go further, he can feel the waves pulling at him, it makes an uneasy feeling settle in his gut. When the water’s up to his chest, he lets go of Eren’s hand, allows his feet to rise from the ocean floor so he can float on his back. It’s the closest he thinks he can get to flying, to feeling weightless. The cold water not letting him get too far, though.

Eren does the same.

“How do you feel?”

“Weird. I don't know if I like it.”

“I felt the same way at first. But now, I feel like I’m part of the ocean, you know, just a drop of water. Tiny. Insignificant.”

“That’s a shitty way to feel,” Levi comments.

He doesn’t hear any response from Eren, instead a gentle hand grabs a hold of his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess one more chapter at the beach house? and lol, this is killing me, i've never dragged out my otp not getting together for this long, but i'm in it for the long run. and i'm excited to share more of levi's history in the next few chapters.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](http://unhappy-turt.tumblr.com)


	6. six

Levi’s not sure how much time passes before they get out of the water. They’re both shivering and struggle a bit before gathering their discarded clothing. Levi balls them up and presses the sandy clothing to his chest. Eren’s ahead of him, as they sprint back to the house. His heart is racing, but not in the nauseating way. 

\--

They dry themselves with clean towels before heading upstairs. It’s not surprising or uncomfortable when Levi follows Eren to his bedroom. He carelessly tosses the now wet towel onto the floor before getting underneath the covers. He’s still shivering. Eren climbs in after him, his face the splotchy red it gets when he’s really excited. They both just barely fit.

“I don’t know if I can even sleep.” He lies on his back, staring at the ceiling.

“Neither can I,” Levi agrees. “I’m glad I did that.”

“You are?” 

“Yeah.” He doesn’t go into detail about how liberating it felt. How liberating it feels now just to be bare. All the insecurities and self-hate didn’t just disappear, but for now, he’s able to ignore them.

“I’m glad you’re glad.”

Levi decides to get in the same position as Eren, lying on his back, which is when he notices the little glow-in-the-dark stars littering the ceiling.  

“Was this your bedroom?”

“Yeah,”  Eren mumbles, “I feel like those stickers are useless now. The view out there-” he gestures toward the window, “-is so much nicer.” It’s a similar view to the one Levi had out of his assigned bedroom.

“Can’t imagine a kid falling asleep in here.”

“Young Eren could barely stay still, so when night came I’d basically fucking black out… never got to appreciate how the sky looks at night, or the quiet of this place--I guess it's not really quiet, but it's as close as you can get while here.” 

“I'm happy you forced me to come here.”

 “I didn’t force you, it was mild coercion at best.”

 “Whatever.”

 “What time you wanna head back tomorrow?” Eren turns onto his side, facing him.

 “I don’t really care as long as it’s after we’ve eaten.”

“That’s fine with me.” Eren reaches out, sets his fingertips on Levi’s side, tracing little shapes into his hip. The fingers slowly make their way up to his stomach to his ribs. Levi can feel all the muscles in his stomach clenching and unclenching. “You warm enough now?” 

“Yeah,” Levi responses a little breathlessly. He puts his hand on top of Eren’s. He’s still shivering, but not because he’s cold.

“You sure? I think there’s a space heater in the closet.”

“No, I'm fine.”

 ---

Levi wakes up first. He spends a while staring at the ceiling, trying to make out where the star stickers are. They’re harder to distinguish with the sunlight streaming in through the window. He’s still tired, but he knows he can’t fall back asleep, so he turns over to watch Eren sleep. Levi already got used to the other boy’s light snoring years ago, so it doesn’t bother him. Over the years he’s learned that Eren sleeps like a fucking rock. He falls asleep in one position and will rarely move the entire night and he either wakes up naturally or with the use of the alarm clock on its loudest setting--nothing less.

Although it’s their last day at the beach house, Levi’s still got the rest of the week free. He knows that his friends have some stuff planned, but he’s still got a lot of time on his hands. Or at least more than usual, and free time’s been rather dangerous as of late. He does need time to unwind after work or socializing, but too much leaves him feeling like more void than he normally does. He’s been living with this sensation long enough to know he can’t just get rid of it, he has to find a way to control it. It’s getting really fucking exhausting, though. 

He decides to get up and attempt to at least start breakfast before Eren gets up. Levi does cook for himself regularly, but that doesn’t mean his food is any good. And he’d hate to serve Eren shitty food after he’d invited him up here and cooked basically every meal for him. Even though he knows how to make french toast he still looks up a recipe just because, and follows it to a t.

 It’s not until he’s put the bacon in the frying pan that he notices that he’s still in the nude. His first thought is ‘that’s got to be unsanitary’. And then he checks all the windows, making sure no one’s peeping. Not that anyone would. Levi sprints back upstairs to put some clothes on before continuing to make breakfast.

 The bacon’s _this_ close to being burnt, but the french toast came out nicely. He’s setting the table when Eren comes downstairs looking fully rested.

“You made this?”

“No shit.”

Eren gives him that look of his, it's hard to decipher. “Thank you, Levi,” he says, taking a seat at the table. They eat in a comfortable silence for a while. “My mom called a bit ago, you know, asking us to come to dinner tomorrow.”

Levi briefly chokes on his bite. “I don't know.”

“You can say no.”

“I--I’ll go.”

“You don't have to, but it means a lot to me.” 

He goes on to ignore Eren. Of course he knows he doesn't have to, but, although every bone in his body is telling him it isn't a great idea, it could go well. Just maybe.

“Can’t remember the last time I saw your parents.” It’s definitely been awhile.

“Yeah, they’re always asking about you.”

 _Yeah right_.

\--- 

After breakfast, they take a walk along the beach. It’s not crowded, but there’s more people than Levi’s seen before. Probably because the sun’s bright and obnoxious as hell today. It’s the kind of heat that makes you want to stick your head in the freezer. Levi walks with one foot in the water, the other in the moist sand. He got the nerve to wear shorts out and a sleeveless shirt. They spent a good ten minutes just getting sunscreen on. Most of that time was dedicated to Eren since he decided to go out topless, just in an obnoxious pair of boardshorts and a visor hat. 

Eren stands close, their hands touching each other every once in awhile. They don’t talk, but that’s okay.

It takes almost no time to get the car packed up when they get back to the house. They hop in and make a stop at a fastfood drive-thru before they head on the road.  

Eren opens his mouth wide for Levi to put fries in. “Put a CD in.” 

“In your mouth?” 

Eren rolls his eyes in the most dramatic fashion ever as Levi opens up the glovebox to look through the CDs. “ _Wozzeck_?” he asks.

“ _Wozzeck,_ ” Eren corrects, pronouncing the ‘W’ like a ‘V’. “It’s a German language opera.” 

“You’ve heard of it before?” 

“Yeah, I’ve actually seen it performed… when I was a kid. It’s the weirdest fucking thing.”

“Is it okay if we listen to it?”

“Of course, I was just warning you.” Eren smirks. 

Levi slips the CD in, unsure of what to expect as they continue speeding down the highway on their way back home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so long... and i finally got around to outlining future chapters, so I know where this is going. Kind of. 
> 
> 'hang in there', i say to you, the reader, and myself 
> 
> the story's really going to pick up in the next chapters


	7. seven

Levi really doesn’t understand how Eren is Grisha’s son. They don’t even look similar; Eren is basically just the male copy of his mother. It’s the kindness, the attentiveness, the bright smile, the fucking eyes. Levi thinks the one thing Eren got from his father was his temper. Even though, he’s been working on it.

Anyway, saying it’s awkward being around Grisha is an understatement--being as Grisha had been the doctor to attend to Levi when he’d been rushed to the hospital after his overdose. So it’s rather difficult to look the other man in the eye after he’d seen him vomiting uncontrollably all over himself anytime he wasn’t in the midst of a seizure. Levi guesses he’s nice enough, though.

“How’ve you been?” He always asks this. Levi’s not sure whether it’s as a doctor or as an acquaintance. Probably the former. 

“Well. And you?” He makes sure to stare at the framed baby picture of Eren that just happens to be hanging above Grisha’s right shoulder. He should’ve followed Carla into the kitchen.

“I’m fine.”

That’s how far their conversations tend to go. Levi knows that Grisha doesn’t like him at all. He thinks he’s a loser, which they can both agree on, at least. He also thinks Levi is a bad influence on Eren--honestly, that’s the dumbest shit he’s ever heard because Eren is one stubborn bastard and is the furthest thing from a pushover. And Levi’s not really sure if he would consider himself a good or bad person, but he definitely does have a few bad traits; like swearing, the slight fits of paranoia and the whole self-pitying thing, but he doesn’t think he has any bad behavioral issues he’d rub off on Eren. The worst thing that could happen would be Eren turning into the depressed failure that he is, but the kid’s like the complete opposite.

There’s a few more minutes of sitting in uncomfortable silence and occasionally making eye contact at each other from across the table before Eren and Carla re-enter the dining room, their soon to be dinner in hand.

“Need any help?” Grisha asks, already getting out of his seat.

“You could grab the plates,” Carla offers.

“Could I help?” Levi asks.

“You’re our guest, Levi, it’s fine.” Carla smiles at him, and it’s so much like Eren’s, it makes his stomach clench up real tight.

Eren takes the seat next to Levi’s after he’s set some of the food down. He gives Levi one of those ‘you okay?’ looks. 

Levi nods. 

“Did you enjoy the beach?” Carla asks, arranging the dishes on the table until she’s satisfied.

“I did.” He clears his throat. “Thank you for letting me stay there,” he says, uneasily. He’s completely aware that he is an adult and Carla and Grisha are also adults--and even closer in age to him than Eren is--but somehow, he ends up feeling like a child.

“Don’t mention it. I’m just glad you had a nice time, I know you’ve been working a lot.”

The stress of the real estate firm is nothing compared to that of retail--or at least, taking into account Levi’s function there, it’s basically a vacation. He could do the job with his eyes closed, he guesses, that’s why he chose it in the first place. He needed something soothing, something repetitive, predictable, something stable.

“You deserve a break every once in awhile,” Carla tells him.

“I agree,” Eren adds. By the way they each said it, they mean two different things. He doesn’t feel lliking decifering either.

Grisha finally returns, carrying their plates. He sets one down in front of each of them. They begin eating shortly after.

Eren and his mother take part in most of the dinner conversation, discussing Eren’s subtle tan, his friends, the hospital, and their meal. They make an effort to include Levi, although he’s fine with just listening to them banter back and forth. 

After the food and dishes are cleared, Carla brings out coffee and a homemade dessert. Levi passes on the former.

“When’s your vacation over, Eren?” Grisha asks.

“Next Wednesday,” he responds, taking a bite of Levi’s cake. He’s just noticed how the harsh tension that’s usually between them is almost nonexistent. The last time Levi’d been in the same room as both of them, it’d felt claustrophobic. But now they seem to get along just fine. Even if it’s only exchanging a few words.

“I have a few vacation days starting tomorrow, so, your mother and I are flying to Florida.”

Carla grins wide and Grisha extends his hand across the table and gently sets it across her’s. 

“Thanks for telling me so last minute, but I hope you guys have a nice time.”

“Eren, your father only got the days off yesterday and the plane tickets today. It was last minute for us too. There’s no reason to be upset.”

Eren pouts. “Sorry. Just make sure you get me a souvenir.”

“Of course."

\---

“Wasn’t so bad was it?”

Levi shrugs as he buckles his seatbelt. “What’s up with your dad?”

“What do you mean? Like he wasn’t being an asshole?”

That’s not exactly what he meant, but sure. He reverses out of driveway, tries his best to keep his eyes on the road. 

“We had a… what’s it called? Whatever--we came to an understanding. A compromise of sorts. He leaves me the fuck alone and I… well I guess it’s not much of a compromise.”

“So you guys are fine now?”

“Yeah, it turns out I only hated him because he was constantly trying to interfere with my life and sculpt me into his ideal son or, really, a miniature version of himself.”

“Oh, I’m glad that all worked out then.”

“Yeah, he’s not the obnoxious control freak he once was.” Eren raises the volume of the radio before changing the station. “Before, I couldn’t lift a fucking finger without him criticizing me… he kept acting like I was a fucking screw up”

Levi quickly glances at Eren before putting his eyes back on the road. He’s always hyper-aware when he’s driving with someone else in the car, it causes him unnecessary anxiety, but he wants to make sure no one gets hurt. Eren’s words lead to an odd thought popping into his head. “I don’t get how anyone could be disappointed if you were their son.”

“Thanks?” Eren says, voice distant.

“You act like I’ve never paid you a compliment before.”

The silence that greets his response is enough to make him take another look at Eren.

“Stop it.”

“I’m not doing anything, jerkoff.”

Levi leaves it at that. He knows that he's not nice, but he doesn't think he’s the opposite of that either. Especially when it comes to Eren. He just drives them home in silence and drops Eren off in front of the building so he can park in the back.

“See you later.” Eren says, somehow gently slamming the door closed. 

Levi makes some noise in the back of his throat as he watches to make sure the other boy safely walks to the building door, although it's only ten feet away. 

Maybe he’s not nice-nice, but he cares. A lot. And that, he thinks, makes him nice. Somewhat nice. That's how his mother was. Yeah, ‘I love you’ wasn’t even in her vocabulary, and she wouldn’t tuck Levi in or kiss him on the forehead before bed or make much of an effort to comfort him emotionally, but she’d smile at him, she’d make his favorite foods whenever possible and watch him in the doorway as he’d fall asleep. He realises that truly wasn’t enough, but that’s the most she could do with all the baggage she was mentally and emotionally carrying.

Levi guesses he could do more. It really wouldn't kill him. At the same time, he doesn't want to be suffocating, or come off phony. He’s repressed so many feelings and now he’s got no clue how to be anything other than distant and awkward.

It’s hard to love someone when you barely feel whole. It’s hard to love. Period. And yeah, there’s all that crap about how easy loving the  _ right  _ person is, but it’s got to be bull. Or maybe it is just for people like Levi. Eren doesn’t seem to have any inhibitions when it comes to saying ‘I love you’ or getting close to other people. Either way--whether or not they open themselves up to others hesitantly, it still takes guts. It still leaves both of them vulnerable and utterly susceptible to getting hurt.

And maybe, it really comes down to Eren’s fearless attitude--love seems to be no exception.

He makes his way to the parking lot behind the apartment and parks in his usual spot. He sits for a while, watching the sun set, before heading inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've run out of excuses for why it takes so long to get chapters out. Currently working on the next one, so hopefully it'll be out soon.


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any errors--I just kinda word vomited this and posted it

Eren is sprawling on the sofa doing something on his phone when it slips out of his hands and falls right onto his face. He sighs, seemingly more irritated than hurt, as he sits up.

“Is your laptop in your bedroom?” He asks as he’s already making his way there.

“Yeah,” Levi offers, uselessly.

Not soon after, Eren steps back into the living room, with Levi’s laptop tucked up underneath his bare armpit--since he’s wearing a sleeveless shirt. Levi feels like he should say something about that, but he decides against it.

“Erwin just sent me a link to this video--you have to watch it.” Eren unceremoniously sidles up to Levi and sits, opening the laptop and frantically typing until he seems sated with what’s on the screen.

“What is it?” Levi asks, looking at the screen skeptically. “You and Erwin bonding over opera shit now?”

“Don’t be an asshole, just fucking watch it. Come on.” Eren taps on the video, allowing it to play.

Levi watches, at first with little interest as a somewhat heavyset man with thick facial hair walks through a large orchestra to the front of the stage, where several microphones are set up, but then the music starts and a booming yet beautiful voice sings what he can only assume is ‘Nessun dorma!’ since that seems to be the title of the video.

It isn’t until a few moments later when a number of soft and angelic voices briefly join in that goosebumps slowly take form on Levi’s arms. Before he knows it, the video’s over and some indescribably warm sensation starts in his toes, and little by little, it moves. Crawling up his legs, tingling up his spine, it settles comfortably somewhere in his gut.

“Isn’t it…” Eren trails off, eyes glued to the screen, unblinking.

“What’s he saying?”

“Got no fucking clue.”

Levi looks to the screen as well, trying to make sense of what he feels.

Eren sets the laptop on the coffee table. “Want to watch it again?”

He does, so he nods.

They get cozy while watching it the second time. Even though he knows exactly what’s to come, it still makes the hot _something_ in his chest fucking pulse. He decides that this is definitely something he may want to look into further. It’s good; it’s new… to feel something like this. Whatever it is.

After the third time they’ve watched the video, Levi shuts the laptop screen, making sure to bookmark the page beforehand. He sits back, Eren lays his head back onto his thighs. Eren purses his lips, a real look of consideration on his face.

“Sorry about yesterday,” he says.

“There’s not really anything to apologize for, is there?” Levi has a tendency to make a mountain out of a molehill. He wishes he could just let some things go.

“I don’t like to leave things tense between us, you know? It, uh,” he pauses a bit and Levi watches the corners of his mouth twitch, “always makes me feel bad when one of us walks away upset.”

“That seems like a good idea in theory, but do you ever just… I don’t know, want to feel upset or mad? You can’t always force it away. And they could be useful. Does that make sense?”

“I get it, I get it. They’ve never been much use to me… other than destroying shit.” He smirks timidly, unsure as they enter a nice silence.

Eren turns, eyes flickering from Levi’s eyes to his lips, then back again. Levi closes the small space in between them, because he can’t remember the last time they kissed, but more importantly, because he wants to. It’s short and chaste, like usual.

When Eren pulls back, he smiles, a genuine, intimate little thing stretched across his face. They kiss again, still innocent, but this time, their lips are pressed together for a second longer.

Eren’s smiling again when they’ve parted again, running his tongue across his lips. It makes Levi wonder if he can _taste_ him, and if he can, what he tastes like. He thinks it’s something good, something sweet, by the way Eren’s smile widens, making him look somewhat like the Cheshire Cat.

“It’s been awhile, huh?”

Levi nods, not being able to look away from Eren’s rosy pink lips. He tilts his head as his eyes make their way towards Eren’s as they flutter closed for a brief moment. He’s got those incredibly long lashes. Fuck, everything about him is so much; every goddamn part of him is so beautiful.

They simply stare at each other. Levi realizes he’s on the precipice of something largely meaningful. He thinks there may be no going back. If there still is the option after this, he still wouldn’t want to go back. Not that just being friends with Eren isn’t wonderful and sacred, but maybe if they’re able to take that next step that seems so organic, so fucking right… Levi’s not sure what will make of it, but he’s curious--okay, he’s yearning, _been_ yearning.

For having over-analyzed every aspect of his life to hell, Levi doesn’t think too much before he meets Eren’s lips, right in the middle, since they’d both been unconsciously been moving closer to the other.

It still feels familiar, Eren’s lips, he means. He thought maybe they’d feel different, since there’s not the same old intentions behind this kiss, but then he rethinks that. This kiss, same as all their others, was to say ‘I care about you’, to say ‘I love you’, and ultimately, ‘I can’t even put into words what you mean to me’. When Levi had been younger, and essentially more naive, he had his preconceived notions about love, which weren’t really built on much other than shitty romance movies. He’d never seen it up close, love-love, the heart beating out of one’s chest sort of love, the heavy breathing, hands clumsily shoving their way down one’s pants type, the stand in the rain kissing type. He thought it’d be an explosion--the fucking millisecond when he felt it, he’d know. But with Eren, if seems like it snuck up on him. He wasn’t even aware he’d fell in love until he was drowning in it. Well, maybe something more pleasant, but it’s still terrifying.

Eren tilts his head slightly, allowing their lips to fit together nicely. As Levi gains a bit of confidence, he places one hand against Eren’s chest, just to feel his heart beating underneath the thin shirt.

They separate briefly to catch their breath. Eren’s eyes are somewhat crossed when Levi gets a chance to really look at him as he moves in again. This time not to kiss, but to brush the tip of his nose to Levi’s in a surprisingly intimate gesture that has tingling heat running to his cock.

He secretly thanks God when Eren’s phone suddenly rings bringing both of them back to reality.

Eren grabs the phone, putting it to his ear. Levi watches his face fall as he listens to whoever’s on the other end of the call. He soon stands, looking at Levi regretfully.

“I know it seems like I’m blowing you off,” he frowns, “but I’m not.”

“I believe you,” Levi says, earnestly.

Eren grins, his eyes softening further around the edges. “I love you,” he says and it somehow means what it’s always meant and something completely different, something new.

\---

It’s not until later that Levi has started thinking everything over. He’s lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. When he doesn’t have much to do or company over, he spends a lot of time in bed.

It was too easy.

Wasn’t it?

And there wasn’t any verbal confirmation. They didn’t discuss _this_. Suddenly his heart rate skyrockets. Eren’s surely convinced that it was nothing. Just them struggling to keep balance on the tightrope that separates their friendship from dating. He’s honestly wondering what’s the point to putting up all these walls, if he’s still weak? This isn’t supposed to hurt him.

After the shit that’s been thrown at him, he thought maybe everything wouldn’t be as bad. Maybe God, if he did exist, would take it easy on him, would say “hey, you’ve had enough suffering!” It doesn’t seem to work like that.

If Levi could just swallow this and try to keep it down long enough, perhaps, it’ll fade. Deep down, he doesn’t want this feeling, this small taste of the love he could’ve had, to completely disappear. Too many aspects of it are sweet, are gentle and warm. Maybe instead of consuming his entire body, he just wants it to be pebble-sized. So he can hold it in his palm, possibly close his fist around it and place it against his chest.

After a few more minutes of blinking towards the featureless ceiling he gropes around the bed for his laptop, quickly finding the device and opening up the screen. He has to squint his eyes until he can get the brightness to the second lowest setting. He finds the video that he bookmarked earlier and plays it loud enough to feel the sound echoing off the walls of his bedroom.

He hears a muffled, “turn that shit down,” coming from the floor below him.

He ignores it. And he can ignore _this_ , pretend it never happened. It’s not easy, but it’s better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luciano Pavarotti's "Nessun Dorma" is so beautiful and Levi's experience with the song is very similar to my own personal experience. Ever just hear something that's so amazing it fucking feels like you're psychically touched by it?
> 
> Anyway, I hope to not take forever with the upcoming chapters.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a few modified lines from The National's "Driver, Surprise Me"


End file.
